I remember it like it was yesterday.
I still taste the embarrassment felt, this inner grimace
It was during my sales days at Septième Largeur . A man enters the store. He is followed by a woman. I understand that they are together.
The man is looking for dress shoes. He tells me his size, I look at his foot which I estimate to be at least one size smaller than what he tells me.
I say nothing but instead hatch a secret plan. I side with commercial audacity.
Going down to the cellar where the pairs of shoes are stored, I rub my hands in advance.
Not by imagining myself selling the pair of shoes for sure but rather by imagining myself enlighten a man's lantern and perhaps change his life.
He tries on the shoes. He feels good there. They are stiff but he doesn't touch the end and he feels they will be comfortable when he has them done. He walks back and forth in the store.
During this time, I don't say anything . I watch him do it with a half-smile. In my head, I pop the champagne. My plan is working as expected.
Suddenly the woman asks me what size it is. I decide not to evade the question and tell him the size. 42 instead of the 43 requested.
I see that it disturbs them.
Seeing this, I ask the man to confirm that he is not touching the end. He assures me no and repeats all the good things he thinks about it . That's all I wanted.
I step aside, almost on tiptoe to let them deliberate.
From afar, I take a look. The woman talks a lot, the man little. A minute later, the man comes to find me with the pair of shoes in my hand. She waits for him at the door, arms crossed . The sentence falls:
“My wife thinks it makes my feet small.”
I struggle to control my annoyance. W e say goodbye, full of politeness , embarrassment and, for my part, with a hint of pity.
How heavy the weight of our loved ones' gaze can be.
How difficult it can be to escape.
How destructive it can be.
The different views that our loved ones have on us
1. The all-powerful gaze of the person who shares your life
This is the one at work in the preceding scene.
When the person who shares your life takes over the way you dress .
She's the one who takes you shopping. This is your self-appointed advisor
for all questions relating to good taste and style.
It is an influence entirely on the aesthetics of your clothes , what is supposed to suit you or not.
When you meet up with mutual friends or family, this person loudly proclaims that you have no taste in dressing. She even goes so far as to say that you probably don't know your own size.
You submit to ridicule.
The influence is psychological. This person persuaded you and perhaps you let yourself be convinced that when it came to style, this person was the ultimate authority. That she knew better than you.
And then, maybe deep down, you know that you are partially responsible for this submission. This is the role you have assigned to yourself. And it is all the more difficult to break if there is affect.
It must also be said that, for some, this submission is gentle because it allows them to delegate these choices which do not interest them.
I still have a thought for all those who would like to take part in these questions and who no longer dare to do so because the truth would then have to come to light.
And that truth is that the person you are subject to has their own irrational fantasies and feelings about you . And makes you bend . She manipulates you into looking like her own ideal. And that's ugly.
I'm not saying she realizes it. I even think she does it for your benefit.
A man in his ideal must have big feet.
But her companion's are small, which is unthinkable for her.
These are blows that will give you a lot of complexes in the canteen of the school of personal development.
The price to pay for him, if he complies, is to be poorly shod all his life and possibly suffer back problems from walking in shoes that are someone else's.
It makes you think.
And then, I'm not even talking about the fact that his shoes that don't fit his feet will deform more and in a weird way so that it will have a bad influence on his appearance. Simply put, it will ruin any attempt to be stylish.
Is it worth ruining your health and style?
I specify here that, in a couple, there can be a relationship of advisor to advisor without one of the two sensitivities suffering . Benevolent , enlightened advice and measured can have its place in a couple.
And there, it’s a delight.
2. How you look at the amount you spend on your clothes
This often comes from parents who think that we are misusing our financial independence.
The consequence is self-censorship. And this, even if you are a good manager and have the financial resources to please yourself. And that gives a more timid style, a style that doesn't explore all possible avenues.
Which doesn't necessarily give a bad style. As long as you know your body well and dress accordingly, you can develop a personal and appropriate style.
However, it may be preventing yourself from trying new ways of expressing yourself through clothing for a reason given by someone other than yourself. And that is not acceptable.
It can also come , alongside parents or when they have finally made up their minds, from friends who choose to spend their money elsewhere than on common rags.
But that's not all.
The consequence, if it primarily concerns your style, can also concern another aspect of your life which I will develop a little further.
3. The view of loved ones who think they embody right-thinking
Everyone has a different system of understanding the world.
And yet many are convinced that they have mastered dress codes to such an extent that they see themselves as experts in what is done and what is not done.
It's amazing.
And it goes further.
Many are convinced that their vision of things , of when one should be casual, when one should not, of which clothes are casual by nature and which ones are not, is universal and everyone should follow her.
And it is those loved ones who feel this self-righteousness within themselves and engage in verbal crusades because they are extroverted by nature , who will ask you : “Are you going to a wedding next?” or “Are you coming from a job interview?”
How many times have I heard it?
Under the pretext that we put on a simple shirt, a more formal pair of shoes or even chinos .
This view of right-thinking concerns everything. It is total:
- It's about colors
- It concerns the motives
- It covers the subjects
- It concerns the formality register of your clothes
- It concerns the cut of course
- It also covers what a woman or man should or should not wear depending on their gender.
And it can work the other way too, if the person feels that you are not dressed enough. This will often be mockery applied to someone whose shirt is poorly ironed or whose shoes are in poor condition.
The finger pointed at him will be his neglect of his own clothing. And this finger may belong to the same one who asked another if he was married.
This is paradoxical.
But that’s explainable.
The one who points the finger is so afraid of being made fun of. He prefers to attack. He prefers to denounce everything that seems to go beyond his system of understanding the world of clothing. Like that, he takes shelter .
By pointing at you, he points to his own emotional insecurity regarding the way he dresses. This finger says about him that he does not want anyone to question his identity, because he is not sure of it himself.
In short, the voices of right thinking are the least sure of themselves and that is why they shout so loudly. One more reason to ignore these sirens who would like to drag you with them into their miserable waters where any attempt to express yourself through clothing is suspect.
That said, some of these looks at you are not bad: they can act as a safeguard.
It is often the look of the faithful friend, known for a long time, who warns you against a piece worn in a particular way or the piece itself. Sometimes you have to know how to comply. Enter the substantive advice under the form note.
The look of our loved ones is powerful
Even more so when we realize that differences of aesthetic opinions between two friends, two lovers, two brothers, two parents can mean for some broader differences on a lot of other subjects.
In my opinion, it can even be the trigger for distancing. Or at least an aggravating factor.
The other says to himself: “ if he's crazy enough to spend so much money on his clothes, maybe deep down we're not so similar . He doesn't place his priorities where I place them . His view of life must be quite different from mine. ”
The look of loved ones is powerful.
And I know that, for anyone who feels an attraction to style dawning deep within him even though he has accustomed his loved ones to a total detachment from clothes , it is not an easy task to take on this new love.
This can be seen as a betrayal of the common values you are supposed to share with them .
“Betrayal” is a strong word but I have no doubt that it will be perceived as such by some of your loved ones in any case. The most virulent. Who are also probably the least sure of their identity.
It proves that we give too much importance to the way we dress and not enough .
We all know people who say they don't care about clothes. But it is often they who will stick labels on you so big that it borders on caricature , just based on the way you dress.
And we must push back with all our strength this yoke that they want to put around our necks, turn away the weight of these gazes.
For one simple reason...
This weight affects our self - confidence
They fall on us without us having anticipated them . With remarks said under the cover of humor.
Because we've been laughing at each other's clothes since the playground ! We are used to it. It's normal ! We makes fun of someone who dresses differently, who doesn't have the right bag, the right jeans, the right pair of shoes , always because this person confronts us with our own insecurity. We make fun of her to avoid being made fun of.
Our loved ones would like us to fall into line. Implicitly, they believe that it is for our good while it is for theirs.
It bothers them to be associated with what they consider to be a form of marginality, of a misplaced freedom of spirit when they themselves have kindly conformed to what was expected of them.
We shouldn't blame them. You have to put yourself in their place. Understand that their positioning is not the reflection of a free opinion but of a constrained posture which allows them to live in peace.
Feel a little compassion. It will help you free yourself from the gaze of your loved ones.
7 ways to soften the eyes of our loved ones
- Make a smooth transition to more style. Don't go from a very simple jean-sneaker style to an overload of elegant elements.
- Receive any derogatory remarks with kindness
- Engage in discussion with them, ask questions about their relationship with clothing, explain what you like about your clothing approach
- Make people put things into perspective : they're just clothes
- Remember that playing with your own image means being able to question yourself, letting doubt enter, which is proof of intelligence
- You don't have to talk about the price of your clothes . If we talk to you about it, say the price without blushing. Explain, if you wish, why you are willing to pay this price. And why you benefit in the long term.
- For any other situation, return to tip number 2
