Seduce through clothing: can you please everyone?

Did you notice the timing of the release of this article?

February 12?

Hmmm... It's two days before Valentine's Day...

No, don't say anything!

Enough of this celebration dedicated to those who love each other!

I'm speaking to those who, like me, still manage to be single at this time , year after year. Inevitably.

Whether you've never found the right person, whether you've never been able to keep them, or whether the couple as such doesn't interest you... It doesn't matter why you're single: don't you have one? Tired of being taunted like this every February 14?

I do.

And that's why, in the pure spirit of contradiction, I decided that this time, we would not have an article dedicated to those who are in a relationship, but to those who are not.

Besides, if you are not single, I did not write this article for you.

I'm sure you'll find plenty of others elsewhere, filled with "gift ideas to give to your other half" , "how to dress for a dinner date" , and other sentimentalities in all kinds.

...

Are you still there?

Okay, well... You can stay after all. If you want to read an article that talks about seducing through clothes , who am I to forbid you?

But please know: this is not a guide.

It's more like... A try. A thought.

Three women, three understandings of style

I will reveal a part of my personal life here.

I hesitated, I weighed the pros and cons, and I decided that this additional breakdown of the barrier of my private life would better qualify my remarks .

So I did it.

I'm going to tell you about three women whose first names have been changed.

These are either women I date/have dated, or women with whom I have/have had a conversation that goes beyond friendship....

And we'll leave it there for the details.

These three women attach a certain importance to aesthetics and clothing , either because of their personal tastes or because of their profession.

And obviously, these three women have big differences in tastes, but also in social, cultural context, and personal history.

Through a quick presentation, reporting their opinion on my clothing style , and a few anecdotes to complete, I will try to give you three very different pictures.

And I hope, through these, to be able to filter out bits of wisdom about how humans validate and please each other, by decoding the implicit behind the clothing.

1. Éléonore

Eléonore is a law student.

Hardworking, very attached to general culture, an academic career littered with great schools and universities.

On her Instagram there are alternating photos of vacations, of her in very elegant outfits (some would say "too much"?), as well as publications and surveys on political and legal news.

I would say that the expression "looking your best" is not too much to describe your everyday style.

(Of course it's not her. But she could totally be dressed like that)

She has a true faith in institutions, rules, Law and Justice, and this is something that comes across in any conversation with her.

She prefers, by her own admission, a somewhat false politeness to tactless frankness.

Finally, on a daily basis, she is used to seeing men in suits and her environment is formal. Young lawyers and budding politicians , these are the kind of men who regularly court her.

In view of all these elements, I was not so surprised to see that my outfits which tended to be more formal suited him more. And when choosing between two casual outfits, she preferred one that incorporated a shirt or well-ironed pants with pleats.

It seems to me that something in this taste still remains within his criteria.

She also seemed rather supportive of my little sartorial pleasures , my tailor-made suits, wearing a tie, and a pair of glossy shoes.

Not surprising either: in addition to being widespread, these are pieces that have a positive symbolism in the environments in which they operate.

Not because it necessarily represents "power", as we are used to associating it with costume, but more because it represents a tradition, the representation of a function, of a skill and of course a certain social belonging.

Unfortunately, she was too polite to tell me if she didn't like some of my outfits, which deprives us of one more element of analysis. (But maybe she doesn't think any less!)

In short, nothing extremely shocking, in my eyes, in the example of Eléonore, whose tastes and reactions did not surprise me...

But where it gets fun is when you take it as a point of comparison with the following.

2.Angela

Angela comes from a country where the so-called “alternative” scene is very lively.

These famous "dark" or "gothic" styles , which you would undoubtedly perceive as the height of marginality in France, represent stylistic, musical and cultural subcultures of non-negligible proportions.

Metal and its many musical subgenres are a real institution there. Techno and all its variants too.

Angela defines her clothing style as "a more toned down version" of these famous alternative scene styles.

He's a bit of a unique personality. While she studied science, she chose to be a writer and artist.

She has a keen critical sense, constantly questions almost everything that can be questioned, including social conventions.

This is reflected in her taste in clothing in men.

Although she openly says that she doesn't attach much importance to it, I have still heard her say:

"No, but hey, if a guy has a normal, ordinary style, there's a 90% chance that he's a normal, ordinary guy."

What I understood, unlike others, is not so much that she is interested in how the garment "highlights" its wearer, as in how it allows other things to be perceived on him .

In this case, he is someone who places great importance on originality .

For some people, where well-identified and codified clothing reassures, enhances, designates you as belonging to the same circle, for others, what matters most is that you stand out from the crowd.

This opposition of values ​​is something that I had already dissected at length in the episodes of Sapristi n°5 where I opposed “Taste” and “Good Taste” , as well as episode 10 on Originality .

Coming back to Angela, one day we had a conversation about our respective styles.

In a few words, it could be summed up as:

- You know, I like you, but if I had to introduce you to my friends, your style... They wouldn't understand. Shouldn't blame them!

- Well yes it's the same for me. Can you imagine if I introduced you to my tattooed biker friends, with your look? They're going to ask me why I'm hanging out with you.

Ouch.

A part of me felt the urge to show that “but yes, I could totally fit in, first of all!” , taking out my perfecto and a pair of big raw jeans...

But what’s the point, really?

I might have been a little more "readable" to his friends, but wouldn't that have been a form of charade ? Some sort of unwelcome comic imitation?

A bit like what a sartorial enthusiast would perceive if they saw someone in an iron-on suit that was too big or too small, with pointy shoes.

“Poseur!”

That's what he would think!

Besides, his opinion on my clothing style is as follows:

“It’s pretty, but it’s too classic”

... What do you mean “classic” ?! No but ho!

I sometimes take more risks with my outfits, wearing scarves, cardigans, perfectos,...

How dare she?! Her and her low-rise jeans with holes at the knees, there...

Well, that said, thinking about it more closely...

For someone who operates in an environment where latex pieces don't shock anyone, where "used" jeans and metal band t-shirts are basics among others...

Yes, indeed, seen like that I'm "too classic", I can't deny it.

As I have said many times in the past...

The originality of some is the banality of others, and the banality of some is the marginality of others.

3. Leah

Léa is an artistic director and graphic designer, as well as a part-time photo model.

His approach to style is based heavily on “High Fashion”.

By this we mean this fashion which parades, which proposes trends, and in which we find our way above all by seasons, collections, and whose designers are treated as we would treat a director : we credit them with a cultural intention, a creative statement, and their presence or absence makes and breaks the identity of a brand.

It’s a field and a world that fascinates her, and she often uses it as a reference.

When I showed her the last episode of Gimmick on military pieces , I already heard her say, commenting on one of the outfits on display :

“Yeah, looks like early 2012 style.”

“Beginning” 2012 , oh yeah? Really, are we at this level of precision?

Let's continue his portrait...

If you show her an animated film, she will barely pay attention to the script, and will concentrate above all on the visual style and artistic direction.

She appreciates stylistic diversity in the same way that a cinephile would appreciate many types of cinema: as small, well-codified and well-separated universes, with their own rules and expectations.

You don't make a comedy like you make an action film. You don't make a horror film like you make a melodrama. And getting the genre mix right is a difficult challenge.

So obviously, the search for a global coherence of the universe takes precedence for her.

Show her a look with too many varied inspirations, and she will say:

“It’s a big hodgepodge.”

Not surprising, when you think about what the job of an artistic director is: creating a coherent visual identity, which corresponds to a brand image.

It also tends to quickly categorize people based on their style , like a communications professional would decipher an advertising strategy behind a campaign.

“Ah, he looks like a shy guy, not sure of himself” ; "He looks like a guy from business school "...

And you know what ?

Although I find it very annoying, he happens to be right in his analyses. I was able to see it.

What she does, this socio-aesthetic deciphering, is in fact somewhat the point of this article .

But he just as often makes mistakes by going too quickly and not doubting anything... And that is just as much the point of this article.

Let's continue with what she thinks of my clothes.

Léa followed BonneGueule before I knew her, as well as the work I do at home.

And although she liked it, that didn't stop her from letting me know very clearly what she thought of my costumes.

My brown Atelier Mesure crossover with chalk stripes provoked a giggle that she struggled to suppress, while saying to me:

“Sorry but all I see is a mafioso from the 30s. The Godfather.”

I was A LITTLE offended .

I explained to him that "no, but look, here, I wore a scarf with a shirt with a mandarin collar, it's still an original choice! A mafioso wouldn't wear that, would he?" , she only saw that.

As for my Sidney Nichols gray check bespoke suit if she seemed to find him “beautiful” in himself, she admitted to me:

“I think you look better in a t-shirt or sweater” .

“It feels more natural,” she added.

She also judged that this Altea Milano turtleneck that I had just purchased was “magnificent”.

She even said:

“I would so wear this if I was a guy!” .

... But I had a hard time thanking her, I still had the bitter taste of the remark about the Godfather in my mind.

Last anecdote with Léa for you.

One day, without thinking much about it, I put on Common Projects B-Ball sneakers in blue nubuck while wearing our gray belted coat .

I just wanted to go out and buy a few groceries, not get ready for a shoot.

And there, just outside the door, I hear:

“The shoes there don’t go at all with the rest…” .

At that moment, I couldn't help but let out a little "Shhh. Leave me alone, okay?".

As the good AD that she was, the vision of a pair of sneakers inspired by basketball combined with a slightly dressier gray coat , immediately triggered a feeling of incoherence in her.

In practice, I find that we see a thousand and one associations more incongruous than that.

But hey, if high fashion said it was good, “then it’s good”, I guess.

Finally, I gave you a picture of her which shows her as the most critical of the three towards my clothes...

But paradoxically, she was also the only one of the three who clearly told me that, yes, my clothing style and my passion for clothing had seduced her.

Furthermore, if I had to define her style, I would say that she is someone who seeks to reinterpret the classics ...

Which, ultimately, is the vision that most closely resembles mine .

Now understand why: despite all these similarities, the debate about clothing was all the more tense.

Could we assume that the more likely you are to please someone for your style, the more likely you are to disappoint as well?

Consensus does not exist...

So what can we take from this presentation of these three people, and their points of view regarding style, and my style in particular?

That I dress so poorly that I can't completely please just one person? Maybe !

More seriously, if it seems obvious that clothes convey values , what would make the exercise of a real "guide" impossible would be to get everyone to agree on which ones.

The example of the costume couldn't be more telling:

• For a person, it will be reassuring, rewarding , a symbol of seriousness, competence, of belonging to a certain social class.
• For another person, it will be seen as “too much”, like overbidding .
• For someone else, it will be a simple disguise .
• And for yet another, it will be much too classic not to be boring .

Do you see how there are 36 ways of perceiving the same item of clothing , for good or bad?

Yes, some clothes are more consensual, it's true... But after that?

What happens if you are faced with someone who doesn't appreciate the clothing consensus, or someone who finds it insufficient?

Oh and did I forget the most obvious “special case”?

The case where the person you want to please doesn't care at all or almost nothing about clothes , as long as you are "clean on yourself". Don't underestimate it, it's not that rare.

But then, why is it so difficult for us to agree on the implicit meaning of style?

...because we are all biased

Eléonore has her biases and prejudices.

Angela has her biases and prejudices.

Léa has her biases and prejudices.

You have some too. I have some too. The neighbor across the street, your baker, your office colleague...

The idea is not who has the best stylistic biases , or the best worldview from which they arise.

I would like to emphasize that this article does not claim to be a “reading guide” for knowing what to wear to seduce whom.

Keep in mind that these are ONLY three people .

Three women with whom I seem to have enough in common culturally and socially to create an understanding, an exchange.

I wish I had the time, the experience and the genius necessary to give you this decryption for ten people, for a hundred , for a thousand.

We probably could have seen how people's tastes and opinions are as predictable as they are unpredictable.

And then what would happen if they were people with a culture and background that I understand less?

What if I were talking to a sneaker and streetwear enthusiast? What would she think of my well-ironed pleated pants and turtlenecks? And about my rap culture which was confined to the United States until the 2000s?

What if I went to, say, Japan, where the dress codes are different? Would my clothes work in my favor? Would they handicap me?

My answer to these hypothetical questions is that I have no idea.

Biased, even more than we think

I would like to give yet another example to expand on the idea of ​​bias in our perceptions of clothing.

I have a friend, a fan of sapes, and incidentally a reader of BonneGueule, who grew up in a city, in a much more difficult environment than mine.

We often debate about everything and nothing, including clothes. And I'm trying to convince him to wear a costume at least ONCE in his life.

Just to test. I tell him he would look great with it, I try to encourage him.

But each time he answers me very sincerely:

“I know you're right, that I should try it at least out of curiosity, but I can't get rid of the image it conveys.”

And how could I blame him? As he so aptly pointed out to me, I'm not sure I'll be seen in a head-to-toe tracksuit any time soon .

However, it could suit me, there's no reason.

So, which of us is more limited by our biases?

This is a difficult truth to accept: even while being aware of the socio-cultural relativism that governs our relationships , you cannot completely extract yourself from your own biases, nor completely control those of others, who observe you through their prism.

I take advantage of the subject of seduction to get my idea across, because it challenges, it stimulates, it motivates...

But that goes for all social interactions , from a job interview to a college party where you're looking to make friends.

No amount of stereotyping or creating an archetype can allow you to predict with certainty what everyone you meet will think of your clothes.

Sometimes it will be total indifference.

Sometimes it will make you charming.

Sometimes it will make you look ridiculous.

In practice, what to do?

You understood, in my twisted mind, the idea was just as much to decipher the importance of clothing in the seduction process...

Than showing you how little control you actually have over it.

Frustrating? Without a doubt.

But if you really were waiting to know "what to do", you can remember these five points.

1. Don't rely too much on clothes

Once every 36th of the month, on a solar eclipse evening, yes, it happens that your clothes do part of the work for you.

But it's so unpredictable and hard to control that you're better off focusing on something else.

Furthermore, I sincerely believe that it is more profitable to dress in a way that truly pleases you.

Not necessarily because it will be your clothes themselves that will appeal, but because the bonus of confidence and self-esteem that this can bring is potentially much more attractive than having "the right style" in your eyes. of others.

Moreover, the process of “searching” for style is, in itself, something attractive for many people.

It demonstrates a curiosity, an ability to become passionate about something, an ability to see the beauty of things .

But it’s something that applies to all passions. There's nothing special about clothing, other than, perhaps, being able to stand out from first impressions.

Plus, focusing on clothes risks leaving you as off base as good old Hubert.

2. Whatever your style, look for “Beautiful”

Far be it from me to start again, after such a long article, on a subject of art and philosophy as vast and complex as "Le Beau".

I would just point out that in all the things that we like, there is an element of subjectiveness, and an element of innateness.

This innate part which goes beyond social construction, sometimes we manage to reach it a little.

And it allows us to please beyond the subjectivity of each person.

So obviously, it's easier said than done, but when it comes to style, you have to both be open-minded and see beauty beyond conventions, and at the same time remain critical of what conventions make us appear beautiful.

ESPECIALLY when you're following a trend , whatever it may be.

3. Adapt without imitating

Through the portraits and stories that I told earlier, I did not try to create fixed socio-cultural archetypes, nor to tell you "choose your side", and then model your clothing on them.

The idea is just to be able to put yourself in the shoes of your interlocutor , of the person you want to please, to decode their social environment and their tastes... As far as possible.

You are then free to place the cursor wherever you want.

If you conducted such an analysis on a certain person, or on a certain frequented environment, and this analysis allowed you to affirm that "yes, if I wear this item of clothing, I will like it" , then do not deprive yourself of it.

Especially if it's something you already have, an outfit you're already comfortable in .

However, stay dignified ...

By this I mean that it is pointless, in my opinion, to use clothing to try to make yourself pass “for someone else” .

It will be seen, sooner or later.

Because the person will see the blunders in your interpretation of codes that they master better than you, as an imitator.

Or because the rest of what you reveal and say will seem to betray your disguise.

And honestly, to be comfortable in an outfit where you know you're disguised, you need a lot of composure, or very good acting.

4. Pay attention to morphology

There is still ONE real practical piece of advice that I can give.

Yes, style is very relative. The tastes, the colors... Certainly.

But I noticed that one thing transcended all that a little : the cut, and how it suits (or not) a body type.

• Let it be my mother.
• My grandmother.
• My little sisters.
• My best dressed exes.
• ...My other exes.

All of them have always been able to give an opinion (more or less constructed) on the cut and size of a garment.

I also think that men are just as capable of carrying out the same analysis in the other direction.

It's almost primal: it's no longer so much a question of clothes, it relates directly to how we perceive our bodies.

As long as you don't make big rookie mistakes with clothes that are way too big, or way too small , clothes will rarely be a deciding factor.

So ultimately, if you really had to optimize things: choose the clothes that “suit” you best rather than those that you find “the coolest”.

They are not always the same. 😉

5. Clothing as a social filter?

Some will point out that style “can” and “should” naturally act as a “filter.”

It would repel people who are too far from you sociologically speaking, and attract those who are similar to you.

In doing so, it would help you attract the “good for you” people and miss the “bad” ones.

I myself have long shared this opinion, and I have been an ardent defender of it.

But today, my vision on this subject is more nuanced.

What about the times you find multitudes of commonalities with people who differ from you in codes and appearances, but are similar to you when you dig a little deeper?

Or the simple freedom of wanting to explore beyond one's environment, and what one has always known?

Let this “filter” act , but don't do everything to put yourself in a box and lock the others there.

That, at least, is what I believe in.

As for you...

Who knows, maybe next year you'll have a good reason to read an article on "The Best Gifts to Give for the 14th" , instead?

Until then, good luck!